Offside By A Mile

An extract from a radio play

The bright young football star Darren Bukwater has been kidnapped by the ficticious character "Bing Selfish", bitterly convinced that his own career was ruined by the handsome young buck. Now read on...

Photo: Simon de Farnhell

Selfish:

All the greats had to endure what I've been through, Darren. They all had to put up with the detractors and the sneaks who said their talents were ephemeral and superficial. Mozart, Blake, Dante, Michelangelo, Peter Marinello, the Marquis de Sade, Stalin, they laughed at them too. They called them ineffectual time wasting no hopers too, Darren.

Darren:

Look, maybe you're taking it all too personally. Perhaps if you'd tried your hand in a lower division?

Selfish:

Lower division, huh, what the Brockley and District Sunday League, I suppose? You're very funny, Darren, very sarcastic, very dry. Now I suppose you're wondering why I've got you secured by elastic cords in front of a pair of goalposts?

Darren:

It had crossed my mind, yes...

Selfish:

Well, you see, Darren me old chum, me old mucker, me old teammate, me old homey, I've been thinking. All this torture stuff, the thumbscrews, the throat clips, the racks, the whips, the knee squashers, the brain mashers...well, they're all for sicko's, right, people who've crawled out of the gutter, right, and got twisted on the way. They're not for people who are totally justified in using a little sadistic excess in order to validate and avenge their tarnished honour. Vengeance is a pizza best delivered cold. So now's your big chance to show me what a great footballer you are, Darren. You're the goalkeeper, OK, and I'm the penalty taker, OK? If you save my penalty, no problem - unless there's been a transgression of the rules. If you miss, however, and the ball - as inevitably will - hits the back of the net, a complicated electronic system will be triggered, setting off the small explosive devices I've attached to various parts of your body. Each goal I score means a different part of your body explodes, separating a limb, a hand or an arm from your oh so desirable torso (Laughs). I'm unforgivable, aren't I, Darren.

Darren:

I'm not a goalkeeper, Selfish, I don't stand a chance. What sort of insanity is this?

Selfish:

The truly great player is capable of performing in any position, Darren. Mind you, I've always been pretty deadly (laugh at pun) from the penalty spot, so I'd say a few prayers if I was you, as I don't think you and your body are going to be together for too much longer!

Darren:

For Christ's sake, Selfish!

Selfish:

Penalty number one.

Darren:

Come on Selfish, you can't be serious!

Selfish:

Ready Darren...(sound of shot being saved). Well done, Darren, you saved it, but unfortunately you moved a little early: the kick will have to be retaken. Here we go...(sound of shot being saved again). Well who's a clever boy then, saved again, still I'm a bit rusty, I'll be warmed up in a minute...best out of ten...here it comes, Darren, top left corner...(a little exasperated) saved... (Fade to)...Penalty number forty seven (saving sound again) saved...Well, Darren, you're a regular Gordon Banks, aren't you...